Ok, I didn't exactly say it out loud. I looked at Olga and whispered the word and she knew exactly what I said. And she laughed cuz she knows how uncharacteristic it is for me to even think this way.
But I must be honest and confess that this is exactly what I thought when I signed my lease and handed over a check for $$$$ for my new home. My stomach was in knots. The feeling I had was the exact same feeling I have when I go on a first date. Panic attack. Freak out. Can't breathe. Sweaty palms. Yep. First date.There are very few things that make me nervous. Stand in front of 500 people and speak: piece of cake!!! First date: No thanks, which is probably why it's been a few years since I've been on a first date. Cuz I get so nervous I have to go pee every 5 minutes!!! (Note to self: make sure to take toilet paper with me to the new home on moving day)
So what does a first date and a new home have in common? And why am I so nervous about the experience? I think it's due to the level of uncertainty involved with it.
First date: Go out with a guy that either I've never met, or in a social environment that is new to how we relate to each other. My mind is in overdrive: Do I look ok? What do I talk about? Am I making a fool out of myself (which I usually do cuz I say things I don't even remember!) Will he laugh at my jokes? Do I want to see this guy again? I hope I don't fart. Now what?!
New Home: This is the first time in my entire life that I am moving out all by myself. The kids are grown and going their separate ways. I'm doing this all by myself! I'm finally all alone! OMG-I'm all alone! Can I do this? Will I balance my budget and pay my rent on time? OMG-I need to buy dish towels! And dish soap! Can I really do this? What if all the necessary variables don't work? Don't forget the toilet paper.
What the ---- am I doing?
Some people, like a few friends of mine, love uncertainty. I had one friend (who's married now, go figure) who loved first dates. She would get so excited, looking forward to meeting someone new and learning about him. She's nuts! (no, she's not. Tracy's one of my best friends, and the one who'd usually calm me while I waited for my date to show up) She handles uncertainty so well! I really admire her.
I love challenges and taking on new experiences and learning new things. But uncertainty? I have a very difficult time with uncertainty. And this moving into my new home thing? There's so much uncertainty involved.
Which is why praying is such a good idea. I'm so glad that God forgives me when I use a foul word.
