In God's hands

I just realized that it's been over a month since my last post AND I haven't updated on how school is. Hey, what do you expect-I'm on a 7-week vacation and since I really don't like writing, I didn't.

Then I realized that I need to write. It's good for me. So, here I go: I'll write and share with you how the last 6 months of school went.

It went very well.

Ok, ok! I'll give more details!

I have loved being back at school and feel a strong sense of accomplishment at the end of each semester, but this last spring, and in summer school, that sense of accomplishment was evident in more ways than one. I had professors who motivated me and encouraged my writing style and gave me tools to improve my skills. I also had a blast working on essays and projects with a very dear friend from school.

My Chaucer class was the most challenging (imagine reading and interpreting literature in Middle English-it was exhausting!) and I got a B in the class, but learned so much about Geoffrey Chaucer, "Canterbury Tales," mythology and the 14th century.

I also took a class that examined the modern American novel. I had to keep an open mind for this class. I didn't like most of the stories. I'm just not that into modern literature. As the semester went on, though-towards the end of the semester, we read a few books that I enjoyed: "The Crying of Lot 49," "The Hours," "The History of Love," and "Gilead." Part of the theme of these books involved a search, whether a mysterious society, loved ones, meaning of life, spirituality...but they also dealt with leaving a legacy. The last 2 books especially left an effect and I wrote my last essay on these 2 books, incorporating a dedication to my dad and what his legacy meant. I don't know what I got on the essay, but I ended up with an A- in the class, so I assume I did really well.

By the end of the semester, I felt greatly accomplished. I ended with a G.P.A. of 3.78. During the semester I applied and was accepted into the International English Honors Society and got a certificate and a pin. I also was chosen to receive a substantial scholarship (yeah, I cried when I got that letter).  A few weeks later my success was felt even deeper when I received a letter from the dean's office informing me that I had made it onto the dean's honor's list (Yep, I cried some more). To do so much work and feel good about it and succeed-I'm flabbergasted!

But there's been something missing in all of this success. The one person who I found out almost too late that he was my biggest fan. I'm feeling the loss of him more, now that he's been gone for over a year. I feel like my heart has this ache in it that just won't go away. Dad would have been so extremely proud of me. I know this because he cried with me when I got my first A in Algebra 3 years ago (considering that when I was in high school, he spent countless nights pounding algebra into my head and I just couldn't get it-then he finally sees success many years later-imagine what it meant to him to see his daughter finally do well in math). Anyway, that was when I knew how excited and proud he was of me that I had decided to go back to school.

And he's not here to cry with me and celebrate my successes. And he won't be there when I graduate. If you've been reading my blog, you know that I wrote last year about dad not being here, but that the peace of knowing that I am in God's hands and that Jesus is still here has helped. Please don't get me wrong, I still know this, but for some reason, now that it's been more than a year...it's worse. It's tumultuous. It's like Satan is taunting me with the reminder that my dad is gone and will never be there to praise me, or pat me on my back or encourage me to follow my dream to study in England. Yes, it's been exciting to share my successes with my kids, my mom (who is my super fan!) and other family and friends, but I can't share it with my dad.

So, a little part of me shut down. I didn't write. But I need to. And I need to remember Dad's legacy: Do. I need to do. I need to sing. I need to share. I need to keep working and succeeding. Writing has been the best way for me to express myself and work through my ache. Writing, doing, and praying has been my best weapons against Satan's taunting attacks of remorse, failure, disappointment and anger. I am glad that I had 7 weeks of down time. I needed it. Maybe I needed to shut down a little too, but I need to use the tools God gave me to keep living my life. I am continually-sometimes every other minute-putting this ache in God's hands, working through the thoughts of anguish, turmoil and loss. I am amazed at how many times a friend calls, or a song comes on the radio, or something happens (like a Shakespeare festival or trip to Disneyland, or a chocolate party) at just the right moment to bring some peace to that ache. Writing this definitely helps too.

There are some pretty fantastic and exciting things happening in my future. This fall is my last semester and I will have a bachelor's degree in English. I can't even begin to describe to you how that type of success feels to me-it's an unimaginably phenomenal feeling. Oh, not to mention that I've begun the application process to the Shakespeare Institute in England. This time next year, I could be packing for Stratford upon Avon and working on my master's in Shakespeare studies. Right now, I have no idea how I'm going to pay for it, or if I will even be accepted, but I do know that I am supposed to pursue this.

And it's in God's hands.