Fear

I had my gall bladder ripped out of my body a few weeks ago.

Ok, ok, it really wasn't "ripped out" of me. I was well taken care of by my nurses and doctors. My surgery was textbook smooth and my recovery, although slower than expected, is going well.

But hey! If you think about it-or if you've experienced any type of surgery, doesn't that sentiment make sense? A part of my body betrayed me and needed to get ripped out of me! (At least that's how I saw it)

And these feelings began before I had the surgery-feelings of betrayal, anxiety, and then foolishness because it's just a gall bladder. It's not that life altering, like some friends and family have had surgeries that were more serious than a silly gall bladder. I tried so hard to be brave, but I couldn't.

Before the surgery, I broke down in front of my children and cried. I felt stupid as my daughter hugged me, comforted me and assured me that I would be just fine. This was nothing, compared to what it could be.

While discussing the surgery with my surgeon, she asked me if I had any questions. I asked the first thing that came to mind: "Will I wake up?" My kids laughed. The surgeon smiled and said, "Not to worry, yes."

When the nurse asked if I had any questions, I asked, "Will I wake up?" I asked this question several times, to every nurse and doctor that came into my room. I received the same answer, but I was anxious, and I felt bad for being so anxious, but I was. I even exasperated my kids.

Then the nurse grabbed my hand, looked at my kids and said, "She's scared." A light went on in my daughter and son's eyes and they looked at me asked "Why?"

I'm about to get my gall bladder ripped out of me and I have no control over that!

(Allow me to interject here that I instantly thanked God that HE is in control of what is happening, no matter what!)

But I was still scared. Frightened. In tears.

Then the nurse looked at me and said, "It's ok, it's normal to be scared."

It is? Really? Well, for me it's not normal! For me it's normal to face my fears and conquer them! I absolutely didn't want to conquer this! I wanted it not to happen!

But in that moment, to have the nurse assure me that it's normal to be scared, it's ok to be scared and that I was also not alone in my fear--I knew I would get through it.

And this is how I faced this fear--this fear of giving my life and ability to wake up to someone else--I survived it. And I hope and pray to God that I never have to have surgery ever again.

I didn't conquer this fear. I was forced to face it and I survived. And gall bladder surgery is actually more serious than I thought--Did you know that your liver gets cauterized when the gall bladder is cut away? It's the only way to seal the incision on the liver--thus a wonderful burning sensation in my abdomen that reminds me of having my gall bladder ripped out of me. (Dark humor)

And I survived.