Another Christmas time has come and gone and my family continues to remember my dad's birthday and miss him dearly. The legacy my dad left us is a tremendous one. A good one. And whenever we think of him, we can't help but let our memories bring joyous tears to our eyes.
But rather than dedicate this writing to my dad, I've decided to dedicate it to my ex-husband.
Some of you may know that my ex-husband, the father of my 3 children, passed away last January, right after the holiday season. My kids and I went through a ton of mixed feelings about his passing--good, bad, sad and relief, even feeling guiltily happy (I think that one is more me). Because of his history, it's been a struggle. And that's part of the reason why I decided to write about Brent. He's part of my past, and the father of my children. And I'm hoping his story can help others who may relate to his story. And I'm also hoping that my thoughts will help us, Brent's family.
Brent struggled for most of his life with his own personal demons--addiction and mental health. In the beginning years of our marriage, I think he tried as hard as he could to keep it together, to be a good husband and dad. But when his demons took over, his struggles came to light and for him, the demons became his life.
I used to bitterly believe that he chose his demons over me and his family, but as I look back, I can't help but...well...feel guilty for my bitterness, but also realize that for Brent, addiction and mental illness were not choices for him. For years we prayed, and he tried to battle his demons. With help, without help, in hundreds of rehabs and programs.
And in the end, it didn't work. The demons won. Or so they think.
I was very worried about how my kids would handle the passing of their dad. My boys haven't had any type of relationship with their dad in years and I prayed they wouldn't harbor anger and bitterness. My daughter tried to have a relationship with her dad, but it was not successful. We've all dealt with feelings of what we wish it would have been, what we wanted from him and never got, but we're learning to accept Brent's life and lack of relationship for the past years. And choose how to deal with addiction and mental health.
What we are choosing is Brent's legacy. Because of his demons, we've worked very hard to keep our communication open about addiction and mental health. All 3 of my kids have looked at what addiction was to Brent. All of us know we need to be very careful when it comes to indulgence. We also know that we need to be proactive when mental health issues arise.
Then I look at my 3 kids and who they are today. Jennifer is married with 2 kids. Nathaniel is pursuing his music education, out on his own, and playing his trombone and singing. Ethan is married, working and a budding professional musician. All 3 of my kids are a productive part of society.
And we're very close. Oh it could be so different. If they followed their dad's legacy, they'd be drowning in addiction, in jail, and running from life, letting the demons win. But all 3 of them looked at that and said "NO" out loud. There's a greater hope that my kids will turn their dad's legacy into something wonderful.
One more thing: I pray. Every day. For my kids. For their spouses. For my grandkids. And I thank God for the protection and love He gave us through my family--my dad, mom, brothers, sister and the support we have from friends as well. Because of them, the legacy that Brent leaves is us looking forward in hope and good things.
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