Uncle Ken

Today is my Uncle Ken's birthday. He would have been 55. A few weeks ago, four days after Christmas, he lost his battle with cancer. He was my mom's youngest brother.

When I was young, he was my cool "rock and roll" guitar-playing uncle with all the tattoos. I didn't see him, or speak to him very often, but I decided I wanted to write about him to honor him. Plus these thoughts have been gnawing at me for some time and what better day to write it down than his birthday.

Uncle Ken was the first phone call I received after my dad's passing. He was in tears, asking how my mom was, and he wanted me to know what my dad meant to him. Honestly, I don't even remember exactly what he said to me-most of it is a blur. But there is one thing that stood out to me about Uncle Ken and what he said about my dad.

Hope.

You see, Uncle Ken's life wasn't a pretty one (now that I think about it, who's is?). He became a Christian 14 years ago, married a wonderful woman, Wanda-a family relation I've admired my entire life. Before that he lived a life-style where hope was lost. Uncle Ken's life has taught me that even when I've lost hope in the people in my life, there's is always hope in God's love for us. Uncle Ken stepped out in faith and gave his life to Christ, serving Him and being a witness of the miracles that God can do in someone's life. Yes, there are many ways to symbolize his life-God's mercy, grace, forgiveness.

But it is the hope that I will hold on to. Putting my faith in God's plan gives me hope, not in people, but in what God will do in those peoples' lives. I have my hope in God while my sister continues her battle with breast cancer. I have my hope in God as my grandma (my dad's mother) struggles through the effects of a stroke. I have my hope in God as other family members and friends deal with illness, loss, health, life. As I continue my journey in college, I have faith in God and the hope that He will hold me and give me the strength to keep going. To keep studying.

Overwhelming isn't it? And you're wondering how I can continue to have faith? How can I put my hope in God? I just do. You know that scene in the movie "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade?" Indiana Jones has to go through that temple-thing to get the cup. You know, his dad got shot and he needs to save him. Anyway, he comes upon a cavern that is impossible to get across. In the clues he reads, he realizes that he has to step out in faith to get across. He has to put his faith in something else. Something, or someone, he can't see, and hope that something, or someone, will get him to the other side of the cavern. He steps out in faith, not knowing that there's a camouflaged bridge in front of him. But the point is, he had to step out. He had to just keep going.

I've lost hope before. Many years ago. But because of Uncle Ken, I know I must have faith in God and keep my hope in Christ's love for me, my family, friends, and everyone. For as long as he could, Uncle Ken kept going. I spoke to him right after he received his terminal diagnosis. Sure, he was afraid, who wouldn't be? But he kept saying to me: "Our God reigns, He is sovereign, He is the healer, He is in control." Uncle Ken knew the gift of this life that God had given him, but he knew what was ahead of him-an eternal life that surpassed everything else. Either way, if God healed him, or took him home, Uncle Ken shared with me that he still kept his faith and hope in Christ. I am in awe at how God worked in this man's life. I have hope in how God will work in my life, and in other people's lives.

Step out. Have hope.

Anger

I really don't like what anger does to me. It eats me up inside. I've been sick for 2 weeks and I can't sleep. Now I know why.

I haven't been praying. I realized today that I haven't prayed since...

He doesn't know it, but this is thanks to the high school pastor at my church. He began a series on prayer a couple of weeks ago. Oh, I forgot to tell you why I'm in high school-I volunteer in the high school ministry. Anyway, we were in a staff meeting and he said something about having a prayer life and the first thought in my head was: "I don't want to pray, I'm too angry at God right now." This thought practically shocked me! I was appalled with myself! Angry at God?

I've had enough turmoil and hard times in my life that I've learned to give my pain to God. To pray and seek His peace and let Him carry my burdens. There have been times I have spent hours-mostly sleepless nights-in fervent prayer. But the burdens this time around, in this season for my family, it's getting a little overwhelming. I think it's been since right after Christmas that I've been so angry that I just have not been able to talk to God.

Praying. I love to pray. I just talk to God. Just chat. And I've yelled at God before. I've pleaded and cried. I've rejoiced and praised Him. You've heard that term "pray without ceasing"? (1 Thessalonians 5:17) I take that literally. Praying when I'm driving, cooking, reading, walking, trying to sleep. Praying gives me strength. I love to pray.

The wonderful thing: God knows I'm angry and He understands and still loves me.

There's this scene in a show I have on DVD where a father is confronting a young man who wishes to marry his daughter. The father, in his wisdom, knows that his daughter cannot marry the young man. As much as the young man loves the girl, he finally acknowledges his restlessness and will feel tied down if he marries her, just as the girl walks up to see the conversation going on. She is devastated, hurt, and angry. The young man leaves town and the father goes to comfort his daughter. The girl yells at her father, pounds her fists on his chest and sobs ferociously as he envelopes her into his arms. She, exhausted, allows her father to comfort her for as long as she needs. It's a good show.

God wants that from me. He wants that from all of us. He wants to be the Father, because He knows how devastating life can be. He sees what we're going through and feels our pain, just like a father feels the pain of his beloved child. He wants me to pound my fists on His chest as He envelopes us (me) in His arms and comforts us for as long as we need. Because without that comfort, without those prayers, the anger would not subside and I could not study, cook, teach, lead, read, live, comfort, decide, sleep or be well.

Oh how good it feels to pray to my Heavenly Father.

Don't Worry, Disneyland will be there...

I have had this blog for some time now and I just realized that I rarely talk about Disneyland. I won't dwell on it too much because everyone knows.

I am in love with Disneyland.

Even in the craziness of the busiest times, I love to go. Due to the convenience of being a local, I can leave if the crowd gets to me, and come back on another day (usually the next day). Trust me, the crowd does get to me, but not as much as it used to. Not very long ago, I used to get really bent out of shape if someone pushed or rushed to get ahead of me in line to enter the park or get on a ride. One time, this lady literally cut me off in the entrance line. When I pointed her to the end of the line, she gave me such a scary look, I moved to the next line. The funny part is that I got into the park before she did.

It's Disneyland-that happens all the time-people rush, run, cut and push. I totally get it. It's Disneyland, the Happiest Place on earth! And it's all about ME! Making ME happy! Making ME have a good time. ME, ME, ME! So, of course there's rushing, running, cutting and pushing.

Then, one day I had a thought as I was walking through the entrance line: Why rush? Disneyland isn't going anywhere. It'll be there when I get there. There is no reason to hurry. Really. Think about it. NO REASON WHATSOEVER! Disneyland isn't going anywhere. Crowds, or no crowds, the rides will be there. The shows will be there. The castle will still be there. So...take your time.

I can't tell you what that has done for my experiences this holiday season. Other people pushing to get ahead to get on Haunted Mansion-eh, the doom buggies will be there when I get there-whatever. Just enjoy the scenery, the music, the looks on the faces of people who are there for the first time. Especially the little ones. What a joy!

We are always in such a rush to get to where we think we need to be and we forget about what's around us, and we forget about the other people around us. We rush, run, cut and push. We're rude, selfish, and only thinking about ME.

Take your time. Look around. Be polite. Let someone else by. Enjoy the view, sounds, and the people around you. Life will be there when you get there.

So will Disneyland.