When God is not enough...

Ha! Got your attention, didn't I?

How could I write such a thing? That God isn't enough? That's blasphemy, or-well, whatever you want to call it, but how could I, someone with such a strong Christian faith, write that there are times that God isn't enough?

Because I'm still grieving. It's been almost 2 years since my dad died and I'm in more pain now than I was last year. I thought it would be easier by now. It's worse. There are times when I miss him so much that I am in physical pain. My heart feels like it has been literally broken in two. There are moments that I want to scream out, "BUT he was MY DAD!"

Now that I've got you freaking out, let me clarify something. I don't feel like this all the time. Most of the time I'm ok. I love my new job and I'm getting ready to walk in my graduation ceremony next month. So many wonderful things have been happening in my life in the last 6 months. Things that I thank God for every day!

But I can't share anything with my dad. I can't talk to him. He will not be at my graduation, does not know about my job or anything. Yes, I've written before that I do still have my family and friends, and Jesus all there for me, by my side. But I'm human. I still can't talk to my dad.

The funny thing is that it was my friend Olga who noticed what I'm going through. She's the one who said, "Paula, your dad was always the one you talked to. And you can't talk to him. So of course you're lost because you need to talk to him and you can't."

I started feeling this deep loss about two months before I finished school. I had to write a short story, so I wrote it about the day my dad died and how I dealt with the day. I described my dad as my anchor and being without him.

And since then, now that I'm not in school and have way too much free time on my hands, I have felt lost and adrift at sea. And in that moment, when I'm aching inside, in physical pain because my dad isn't there, even God is not enough to comfort me in the moment. In that moment I have to work through that pain, because when you're having a moment of deep grief, I don't think anything helps.

It's what I do after that moment that matters.

Last Sunday at church we sang a beautiful worship song: "How great is our God!" Wow! God is great AND when I am going through that moment of deep grief, He is by my side, waiting for me to reach out to Him and remind me that He is there for me when I am ready.

If you have lost someone very close to you, you know what that moment is and I think it's ok to admit that in those moments, there is absolutely nothing that can help. I think it needs to be felt and gone through and I hope and pray that it gets easier as time goes by. Oh, but how GREAT IS OUR GOD that He is there and understands what we are going through.

You know those moments when you're talking with someone and they get emotional and you can't do anything about it. You know, you just kinda' sit there because nothing you say or do will make that moment better. You just have to wait until they reach out to you and tell you they're ready for you to hug them. I think God is just sitting there waiting for me to remember that He's there for me when I'm ready to get through the moment. And God knows what to do.

Yes, God is enough. Friends and family are enough. And I come back to God, and my loved ones every time. Dad is in heaven, having a great time singing Jesus' praises and I have a life to live. I have a grad school (Shakespeare Institute) application to finish. I have a grandson that is adorable and fun. I have a job that I have a great time at whenever I'm there. I have kids that are moving on with their lives, but still need their mom (thank God). With God's help, I can be the anchor.

God is great. And when God is not enough...

He is.