Be a tree

This is a subject I've wanted to tackle for a long time and I'm not sure why I haven't written about it until now, but something happened last week that made me decide that now was the time.

We have a huge ash tree in our side yard. Sometimes I walk under it and marvel at how large it is. In fact, I've been told you can see the top of the tree if you view our neighborhood in Google earth (or whatever that is). What amazes me about this tree is how it just keeps growing. The roots have traveled under the drive way, cracked the driveway in several places, and intertwined with the roots of the pepper trees in our front yard. The branches of the ash tree span so far that it almost completely shades our side yard and always keeps the front porch nice and cool. With the help of our pepper trees in front, our front yard and curbs are always shaded.

The ash tree is quite daring. It doesn't let anything get in its way, as if it just decides it's gonna' go for it and grow where it wants. It takes a risk and tries one direction. If it doesn't work, it makes it work, or moves its branches and roots in a way that does work, but it just keeps going.

I think that's how decision making should be. Me, I've rarely had difficulty making decisions. I've been the decision maker in every aspect of my life for, well, almost my whole life. I think I get that from my dad. Someone must make a decision, so we're the ones who makes it. My dad use to say to me: "It doesn't matter what you decide to do, you just gotta' do something." and "you can choose to do whatever you want, but you have to pay the consequences too." For the first part of my adult life, I made mostly safe choices. No risks allowed.

Until I was faced with the most difficult decision I had ever made in my entire life. I decided to end my marriage. For most of my marriage I had fought to keep my little family together. Until I realized I couldn't fight anymore. Even when I decided to pack up the boys and leave-that was not a difficult decision. The most difficult decision was to not go back. I was not meant to fight the battle of abuse, alcohol and drugs and giving up didn't break my heart-it was the decision to give up. No one could make this decision for me. I prayed like crazy, sought counsel from my pastor and a few friends. Even my brother-in-law had wise words for me, but in the end, I decided I was finished.

And a new chapter of my life began. Going forth, telling my children's father my decision, filing the divorce, raising my boys, working, trying so hard to make the right choices, but also learning that taking a risk, branching out is so important for my growth and life.

Ok, now a funny story about my friend, Amy. I love Amy. I don't get to hang out with her as much as I like, but when we do hang out, something memorable is bound to happen. One of my favorite memories is spending an evening at Disneyland together and we stopped for dinner. She decided to "go out of her comfort zone" and try something new-chinese food at Disneyland! We sat down and she took one bite and grimaced. Oh I wish you could have seen her face! She couldn't take another bite! She promptly got up and went back to her favorite food (I don't even remember what that was-Mexican?) She even let me take home her chinese to my boys (who devoured it in less than 1 second!) She was not happy with her choice, but I think the point was that she tried something new and she wouldn't have known unless she decided to take a risk and try. Was it worth the risk? I think so-yes!

Now my rant: How many times have I heard "I can't decide, you decide for me." I just want to shake those people and yell "Nnnnnooooo! You can decide-just do it!" Whenever I let someone else decide our plans, it's not because I can't decide, it's because I always decide everything and I'd like to allow someone else to stretch out onto the decision branch, as it were. Take a risk! Decide! If it works, great! If not, then you know what to do next time.

So, what happened last week, you ask? Well, a huge branch from our ash tree broke off. The branch was as big as a small tree and when it fell it covered our driveway and most of the street in front of our house. Don't worry, nothing was broken-no cars, etc... and no one was hurt, well, except the tree. It is time for this tree to be trimmed. It is very top heavy and just keeps growing.

Sometimes, the decisions we make hurt. Just like a broken tree branch, or a marriage, or bad chinese food. But these decisions, these risks are necessary. How will we learn, how will we grow and how will we know if we don't decide to take the risk?