School

Today is a bittersweet day. Today is the first day of the Spring semester at CSU Fullerton, the first day in two years that I am not a student there. School is starting without me-I really miss being there. I miss the literature, the campus, the studies...So, I'll reminisce with you on how my last semester went.

This last semester-my final classes of my bachelor's degree-was quite a whirlwind. I had 3 literature classes, a writing class, and a theatre class. I'll try to share highlights from all of them. Let's see...First there was

1) Oral Interpretation of Children's Literature: I stuck with the theme of bedtime stories in most of my presentations. I presented (with character voices and sound effects) "The Three Little Pigs" and my class loved it. This story has been my favorite since my dad used to tell it to my sister and me when we were little. I had a blast in this class.

2) 18th Century and Restoration Period Literature: I read stuff from Sir Isaac Newton for the first time in this class. I was surprised to see how Newton wrote how he couldn't imagine how the universe could NOT have been created by some supernatural being and how everything just works in order-this class had some pretty philosophical debates over this stuff-some of it even too intense for me, but I had the opportunity to put my 2 cents in about enlightened faith vs. blind faith and asking God questions, but also being willing to accept the answers to those questions.

I also read and analyze Alexander Pope's epic poem "The Rape of the Lock" for this class. I wrote a paper arguing that Pope made his female protagonist, Belinda, the hero of the poem, and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed the tons of research I did for this paper. My prof was a great help too.

3) Shakespeare Studies: Well of course I took a Shakespeare class! And this one was a doozie! I read and watched "Titus Andronicus" for the 1st time and holy sh** that is one crazy play! (Yes, I did use an expletive, and so would you when/if you ever see this play!) It's one of Shakespeare's first plays, and it's gory, shocking and incredibly good! I continue to be amazed at how Shakespeare dynamically depicts family values, father and mother relationships, governments, distorts time, uses fairy tales, etc...to create amazing plays and stories! My last essay for this class was on the role of the trickster in his plays.

4) Writing and rhetoric for Teachers: This class really forced me to stretch my writing chops, so to speak. I've copied a couple of things in my blog that I wrote in this class. You know I don't like to write, but this class solidified how writing is therapeutic for me. Throughout the entire semester, my professor encouraged me and expressed how much he enjoyed reading my writing. One of my assignments was to write a short story. I wrote about the day my dad died and how I felt. It was a very tough 3 pages, but I felt so strongly about this day that I had to put it in short story form. I got the full 100 points on the short story. In fact, I got an A in the class. It was this class that help develop my confidence in my writing. I am (slowly) beginning to believe that my writing is actually (kinda) good.

It feels so wonderful to be finished, although it still hasn't sunk in yet-the fact that I've actually accomplished my bachelor's degree-it overwhelms me to think of it!

On that note, my mind has been a whirlwind of writing ideas just in the last few weeks, so expect to see more blog posts coming soon...

I'm a poet?

I put this in my Facebook status on Christmas Day. You see, December 25 is my dad's birthday. He's been gone for over 18 months now, and sometimes it just gets me as bad as the day he passed away. So I wrote this to describe what I've been going through and what gets me through it. I didn't think much of it, but my dear friend, Tracy, commented on it, calling it a "beautiful poem." Really? I wrote a poem? And I didn't even know it? I don't even like poetry.

I've been thinking about this since reading Tracy's comment and wondering if I am a writer, of sorts? I really don't even like to write, but it taps into something in me that is a release (I've written about this before so I won't drag this). Anyway, here's the "poem" I wrote:

Because it's Christmas

Because today was his birthday.
Because sometimes, when I think of him, my heart feels like it's ripping apart.
Because my dad loved Jesus.
Because today is Jesus' birthday.
Because Jesus gives me peace and mends my heart.
Merry Christmas.

Whale of a Tail

Well, it's official. I am a college graduate. It hasn't quite hit me yet. I still feel like there's another paper due in a few days...but I'm done! At least for now. I have a ton of highlights to share, but for now I wanted to share one of my best papers. I wrote for my "Writing and Rhetoric for Teachers" class. It's my "feature article" and features one of my dearest friends, Amy, and whale watching. I'm sharing it with you because my professor commented that he enjoyed reading it: "the assignment is to make nothing read like it's something and you accomplished that-excellent story." I was quite proud of it. So, here you go. Enjoy:

 A Whale of a Tail

            In March of 2000 I was a parent chaperone for my son’s class whale-watching field trip. As all of the fourth graders scrambled to the front of the ship, the teacher and I rallied behind the students to lead the search for whales off the coast of Santa Cruz. The Monterey Bay water was choppy and stormy, but the Captain assured us that we would see California Gray Whales. We spied sea otters and sea lions, common visitors in Santa Cruz, and a few dolphins, but no whales. “Be patient,” the Captain said. My patience ran out when my son, in the grip of seasickness, vomited over the side of the ship. Then I got seasick. Nathaniel and I spent the rest of the trip in the hull, as my son and I chewed crystallized ginger and resisted the queasiness of seasickness. That was the extent of my whale-watching experience. I decided then that I would never go whale-watching again. Period. By the way, nobody saw any whales that day.

            So what are the chances that you will see a whale or two, or three, while on a whale-watching trip? That is a very good question. A question, from my research, that is not easy to answer. Of course, from my experience, my chances of seeing a whale was 0%. My friend, Amy Atkinson, a Long Beach, California resident, would agree with this fact with her experience on a recent whale-watching trip. However, she says, “This was the best whale-watching trip I had ever taken. Within 15 minutes of our trip, the captain informed us that we were coming up on a pod of about 200 dolphins called ‘Common Dolphins.’ After pulling the boat near them it became evident that there was more than the 200 originally thought to be there but instead, closer to 700!” But I thought the point of the trip was to see whales?

            During the California summer is when blue whales are usually abundant in our Pacific Ocean waters. According to the Long Beach Aquarium, there are a few things to take into consideration when on a whale watching trip: Weather, water condition and time of season. In other words, every thing must be perfect. Unfortunately, the gentle giants were in short supply this summer as “the unusually warm waters this season was not the kind of nutrient rich chilly water that these blues come here for feeding! They have traveled on to more krill-rich waters on their mysterious next leg of their journey.” So, pretty much no blue whales at the end of the summer season. Hey, a whale has got to eat sometime.

Who wouldn’t jump at a chance to see the largest living mammal swimming in the ocean? But what if your chances were slim to none? Yeah, I would be bummed out too. Here is what you are missing out on: According to the National Marine Mammal Laboratory (NMML), the blue whale is of the sub-order of whale-species: a baleen whale.  An adult blue can grow to about 100 feet in length, which is longer than a professional basketball court. They also can weigh up to 160 tons, which is heavier than most dinosaurs! For a different perspective: imagine walking through the blue whale’s main blood vessel. NMML states that the blue whale’s aorta valve is so large that a human could easily crawl through (Yeah, I’m not interested in trying it either.) When asking the question “How can I identify a blue whale?” The NMML website has the answer: “They are huge!”

No one can argue with this giant if it needs to go elsewhere for its dinner. This picky eater can be quite particular about its diet. Get this: the largest mammal on the planet eats one of the smallest, bottom of the food chain’s, creatures: krill. The blue whale does not have teeth like the orcas, but a brush-bristle (the only way I could think of describing it) substance that filters out their favorite food. The adult krill will measure to less than one inch in length and is a shrimp-like type of crustacean. For a blue whale to get its fill, it must eat over two thousand pounds of krill at one feeding. During peak consumption period, the blue can eat up to eight thousand pounds of krill. Apparently, krill can be just as picky as whales, considering they prefer chilly waters as compared to Southern California’s unusually warm waters this past summer. The Long Beach Aquarium of the Pacific website showed that the blue whales had to travel on to deeper, krill-rich waters to get their fill. Would you want to hang around if there was nothing to eat? Me neither.

Well, that explains why chances of seeing a blue whale can be slim, but what about our namesake, the California Gray Whale? Amy went on her whale-watching trip early in November and if she had waited just a few weeks, she may have had an improved chance of spotting a whale or two. The Aquarium of the Pacific is excited about the upcoming whale-watching season, but states: “We are hoping to see gray whales during the end of November all the way through May.” This is the time that the gray whales make their winter migration from the coasts of Alaska and Russia all the way down to the warm waters of Baja California. This is a several months long trip that is a 12-14,000 mile migration for the whales.  If you are lucky, the whales will be willing to make a rest stop to say “hello” while you are out there.

What should you look for when spotting gray whales? They are almost as easy to spot as blue whales, if they are out there, except they are not as big as the blue at about half the size at about forty-five to fifty feet in length. That is about the same size as…half the basketball court. I am sure this means it would be a little difficult to crawl through its aorta valve, which I am still not interested in trying. The gray whale is also a baleen whale. It gets its food not from the open ocean, but from the sediment of the sea floor. They sieve the sediment through their baleen to capture plankton, a substance that is even lower in the food chain than krill. In fact, krill larvae are considered a type of phytoplankton. Smaller whale, smaller food. Yet the size proximity is still ironic, isn’t it? How many pounds of plankton can a gray whale eat? About the same as the blue whale, over two thousand pounds per feeding. They can sieve through as much as fifty acres of sediment during a feeding. That is a lot of ground cover! Fortunately, the gray is not as picky and will eat other arthropods called mysids and tiny fish.

It is still too early to surmise if the gray whale will be as allusive as the blue whale. However, if you are still interested in a fun boat ride and the opportunity to see other ocean-life, there is an almost iron-clad guarantee that you will see dolphins. Amy came back from her trip eager to recount watching the hundreds of dolphins frolic: “They swam alongside the boat and jumped and played around us.” That was not the only encounter they had with dolphins. “After about twenty minutes the captain spotted another pod of dolphins, this time, about 200 bottle-nose dolphins. These dolphins are known for their jumping abilities and some of them looked as if they were flying out of the air!” On her two-hour trip, she viewed as many as nine hundred dolphins?  It is a big ocean; I guess that could be possible. Does that make up for not seeing any whales? Amy says yes and “It was amazing! Unfortunately during our trip we did not see any whales but it was not disappointing to me at all. I consider myself very lucky to have seen so many beautiful dolphins!” I tend to believe her after all of the pictures she showed me. The dolphins were beautiful and quite acrobatic.

            What are the chances that I will go on another whale-watching trip? Probably zero, but you never know. I may become inspired by my friend and brave the open sea to catch a glimpse of an enormous gray whale, provided I have taken something to combat sea-sickness but I don’t think so. Since my son had his whale-watching experience, he has had a few ocean fishing trips and could only get through the trip by taking something to combat the sea-sickness, but is whale-watching one of his favorite activities? Absolutely not. But if you are still interested in braving the sea, then remember that whales are much pickier than dolphins and also keep in mind weather and water conditions and the time of season. Unless everything is absolutely perfect, your chances of seeing a whale will most likely be…zero percent. Come to think of it, 900 dolphins could beat out a 160 ton blue whale any day, what do you think?

Does the shoe drop?

Wow-what an incredible month this has been! One month ago today I started my new job. It has been a great experience and I am very happy with the decision to take this job. And to have a steady paycheck again! I'm sure there are many people who understand how comforting that is when you haven't had a steady paycheck for a long time. My life instantly got busier, but it's worth it. I had to invest in some great shoes for this job. I am on my feet for 4-8 hours and great shoes make a huge difference in how my feet feel at the end of the day.

That was the beginning of the month, but the rest of the month just got better, thanks to Shakespeare.

Did I tell you I'm in love with Shakespeare? Well, if I haven't, I'm sure it's easy to figure out. But I'm not in love with my writing-which I know I've told you. So, I struggled with a decision to submit a paper for presentation at the Shakespeare Symposium at CSU Fullerton happening in just a couple of weeks. Standing up in front of 500 people and talking: no problem. Presenting my written paper-MY writing-to an academic symposium where there will be people who are way more philosophical and learned than me: no thanks.

Then I got "the look" from my Shakespeare Professor. Ok, ok. So, I  submit my paper. The next day, I got an email saying "Thank you, I will inform you if your paper has been accepted..." I let it go. I took the risk. The feelings of intimidation set in and I was sure my paper would not be accepted and that was ok.

One week later, I got another email: My paper was accepted. I will be presenting at the Shakespeare Symposium. I can't stop crying about this.

You know what's amazing? That my hard work just continues to pay off! Accomplishment after accomplishment! I am so overwhelmed-I can't even begin to describe how this feels.

But this is life. I was talking to a friend of mine this evening and I was reminded that there is nothing wrong with this accomplishment. In fact, it should be expected. Good, hard work reaps good results. I deserve this.

Do I? Wow-that is so hard for me to grasp.

This brings me back to shoes. What about that saying-how does it go?

When the other shoe drops? You know, when the good stuff ends and bad stuff happens?

Ah-well that's where my philosophy begins. Life is about ups, downs, good and bad. You see, my friend is right. I can humbly and proudly accept the rewards of my accomplishments. Just because I am reaping the rewards of my hard work doesn't mean that it will end and that I should expect something bad to happen. It is in my faith in God's provision that I know I can get through the bad stuff whenever it happens.

And the great thing about when the shoe drops, you can either pick it up, or put in on and keep going.

I just live, work hard, study, and embrace my blessings.

And manage my time to get my final papers done. And graduate. And work. And find time to be with my friends and family. And thank God for helping me walk in my shoes.

Being friends with poetry

Poetry and I have not been friends since I was 9 years old. When I was very young, I fancied myself an accomplished writer as was evident in the silly rhyming poems I created. No, I don't know what happened to my poetry. Somewhere along the way I lost all of my understanding for poetry. Most of it is so metaphorical and, well, weird that I just don't get it.

Until I transferred to CSU Fullerton and took a Literary Analysis class.

My professor was very patient while he answered all of my "I don't get it" questions. I was introduced to Andrew Marvel and William Blake and, of course, William Shakespeare. Gorgeous poetry. Poetry and I are slowly becoming friends.

Until this semester.

I am taking a writing for teachers class and last week's assignment was to write a poem. "You have got to be kidding!" Yep, that's what I said to the professor, who has also been very patient and helpful. I wrote a poem. I decided to write about my concern about my new job. No one, except the professor, has seen it. 

Until now:

As I walk through the Gate…

Dare I go to my happy place

Is the magic still there?

Streams of shooting beams at night

Notable memories and magic

Ever still the black ears promise

Your dreams will come true

Like magic I am transformed 

And I am a little girl again

Now, though, is the magic still there?

Dare I go, all grown up

Just as I was, is it still the same?

Overjoyed with opportunity

Believing in magic is still possible

Says the black ears.

Go ahead and tell me what you think-I can take it. I don't think I'll make a career out of being a poet, but I am learning to be friends with poetry.

Automatic

You already know that I love to cook. It is one thing I can do for me, my family, and my friends just because I love doing it. Cooking brings me joy. And I'm usually the one who's thankful that I get to cook.

Practically every time I cook dinner my boys will say, "Good dinner mom. Thanks!" It always takes me by surprise when they say it. I don't know why it does. After all, I've cooked dinner for my family for their entire lives. Although now that the boys are grown and we're all in college, I don't get to cook every night...well...ok...I cook dinner at least 3 nights a week.  And they still make a point to say "Thanks mom." Every time.

I have my dad to thank for that. He always thanked me every time I cooked dinner-a habit the boys picked up from him. It's automatic. It doesn't seem flippant, though. You know, that just automatic-flippant-thing-we-say-without-thinking-and-everyone-just-takes-for-granted kinda' thing?

You can hear the difference between flippant and genuine...usually. Anyway, they truly seem to be automatically thankful for the dinner I made them. This could be attributed to my great cooking skills (Yes, I am a great cook-no modesty here), but they even thank me when I make hamburger helper!

Yes! I know! Hamburger helper!

Boys are so easy to please.

My point is, I think they are thanking me because they are genuinely grateful that I cooked dinner. They recognize this loving thing I do for them and they appreciate it and want to thank me for it. And yes, that gesture just comes automatically to them. And yes, I am still surprised and touched every time they say it.

This idea of the automatic thank you got me thinking. When do I automatically thank God? I mean the genuine-from-the-bottom-of-my-heart totally thank God? I bet you can answer that as easily as I can:

When something horrible happens and then everything works out ok.

Like the time I got a phone call that my youngest son, Ethan (who was 15 at the time) was hit by a car just 2 blocks from home as he was skateboarding. The guy on the phone told me he was alive and coherent and I thanked God as I bolted out of work to get to Ethan. I thanked God through my tears of relief when I saw him in the emergency room. I thanked God profusely when we realized the only major injury he sustained was a broken arm. I was continually, and non-stop automatically, thanking God for taking care of my son.

A few days ago, I started a new job. I can't begin to describe to you how excited, nervous and thankful I am for this job. After not having a steady job for 3 years and 9 months and hundreds (thousands, maybe) of applications and futile interviews, this job just fell in my lap. Out of the blue.

But when I got the job offer, I did not automatically thank God. Why not? I should have. It was a total God thing! He placed this job right into my lap! In fact, the last few years of my life (ok, ok, my entire life, but you know what I mean) have been about opportunities falling into my lap.

Going to school full time: in my lap.
Providing financial needs: in my lap.
Going on a mission trip: Yep, God put it in my lap and said, "here, you need to do this."
Being a camp counselor: God says, "You need to do this too."
8-week stint as an after school paid tutor: in my lap.
Dare I repeat myself: College has been the smoothest, open, most wonderful thing God has put in my lap!!! And He puts these things in my lap because He loves me. Period. 

Did I ever automatically thank God for any of these wonderful things He's given to me? I have to say...probably not. And these things matter just as much as the horrible things that turn out ok.

By the way, I did thank God for this job. I have been thanking God like crazy ever since I began my new job. It gets me every time. Every time God just provides. He just places something in my lap.

Automatically. 

A Matter of Inconvenience

Vacation is officially over. I went back to school today and, so far, I am very excited about this semester. More about that later...

Before I get into the thick of doing what English majors do best (reading and writing ridiculously monstrous essays) I want to share a concept I've been mulling for most of the summer: Jury Duty. You see, I received a jury summons and, well, due to not having any acceptable excuses to get out of it (summer school had just finished), I did my civic (civil?) duty and served jury duty.

I didn't expect much to happen. After all, when I served for the first time a few years ago, all I did was sit in a room all day. I thought it would be the same this time. Silly me. I was called within an hour after I arrived.

And the antics began. My antics. I couldn't help it! I tried to be a good little sheep and follow along and stand quietly in line, or wait quietly while the judge is in chambers, and not challenge the attorneys while they questioned us prospective jurors, but...well...I'm not a sheep. I made jokes like, "Anyone having flashbacks of 3rd grade while standing out here?" (laughing spreads) Or while in the jury box and the judge and attorneys are in chambers I whisper "Cool! The chair swivels! What would happen if we all swivel?" (gasps and giggles and a dirty look from the bailiff). And yes, I did challenge the prosecutor when she asked me a question about making a judgement call, telling the truth, etc... Basically I asked her to clarify the differences between her job and mine. After a few minutes, the judge stopped us. I was sure I would be excused.

I was not. In fact, I was moved up from being an alternate to sitting right smack in the middle! I was definitely on the jury panel. A few of the other jurors teased me that they thought the judge and attorneys liked me. Great (not really). At the end of the day, we were excused and told to return the next morning. I was livid. It was the beginning of July, a few days before my birthday. My daughter was coming to visit and instead of spending time with Jennifer and my little grandson, I would be stuck in court, being a juror on a case that I really didn't want to have anything to do with! As I walked to my car all I could think was:

This is so inconvenient!

My mind went racing. Was it really inconvenient? Was it? Doing my civic (civil?) duty is inconvenient? What does "inconvenient" actually mean?

I'll tell you what it means (because, yes, I did look it up in my beautiful dictionary as soon as I got home that day): Inconvenient: adj. causing trouble, difficulties or discomfort

From a definition point of view, I was not inconvenienced. I wasn't put in harm's way, or suffered any difficulties or discomfort. I still would have been able to celebrate my birthday with my children and spend time with Jennifer and Brandon, just not as much time. Either way, they would have been just fine with spending time with the boys and my mom.

No, there is nothing inconvenient about serving jury duty (ok, ok, I know there are so many people who would disagree, or want to debate the process, etc...It's not perfect, but it's the system we've got and I know it can get quite complicated and I have learned to have the utmost respect for all who are and have been involved with the process so please, let's just leave it at that. Pretty please. By the way, I did feel guilty about my antics.)

You want to know what is inconvenient? Things that truly make life difficult. War is inconvenient. A broken arm is inconvenient. Cancer is inconvenient. Unemployment-the kind where you apply for 15 jobs in 2 days and get 4 rejection emails and no interviews, or the kind where you are over qualified, too expensive, under qualified or too old to get a job, or you find out there are over 100 people applying for the 1 job you're applying for-that's inconvenient. I could go on, but I think you get the idea.

Serving jury duty was the right thing to do. Period. And in the grand scheme of things, it's only a few days, not my entire life. It kept me from doing things I wanted to do, but it didn't inconvenience me.  I realized how fortunate I was that, when court was done for the day, I could go home and celebrate my birthday.

There is a difference between doing what I want to do and doing what I should do. I should always do what I should do. That may keep me from doing what I want to do, but not being able to do what I want to do is not an inconvenience. Does that make sense?

Here's the kicker: on the 2nd day, the jury was excused from service. Not only did I get to enjoy my daughter's visit, I got paid $15 for sitting and swerving in the jury box. Definitely not an inconvenience.