June 24, 2011 The day listening ended.

The above day is the day my dad left this world and went to heaven to spend the rest of eternity singing Jesus' praises. 3 years ago.

There has been no other loss of a person that has affected me (and many others) so deeply.  What has been significant about this last year is I that my grieving process has left me feeling alone, with no one to listen to me.

Now, before you run to my side, let me clarify something. My dad was my listener. He listened to me when I needed someone to talk over stuff. What kind of stuff? Life stuff. Like raising kids, dealing with ex-husband, changing jobs, going back to school, life changes.  In fact, he's the reason I volunteered to be a camp counselor for my church's high school summer camp to Hume Lake. He's the reason I volunteered to be a chaperone for the high school missions trip. He's the reason I went back to school.  Ok, he's not the reason for all these choices, but when I talked to him about these ideas, he listened. He didn't decide for me, in fact, he would usually say, "Well, if God wants you to do it, you need to be open to it and let God work it out." Usually when I talked to him, I would come up with my own solution. The conversation would be me saying "this is what's going on" and "this is what I'm gonna do," and "what do you think?" He would just listen.

Is this what you would call a "Sounding board?" Yeah, dad was that for me. And I've really needed him this year. My life is going through so many changes with school, work, grown up children, moving and growing up myself! He is not here to listen to me. For some reason, listening and watching others grieve became extremely difficult for me to endure. So much so that at some point over a year ago, I isolated myself in a few areas of my life.

In the last 3 years, someone, anyone will come up to me and tell me how much they miss my dad. Because I inherited my dad's sense of responsibility and caring, I automatically wanted to help and comfort those who miss my dad too. But for a long time I just couldn't. In fact, it caused me pain to hear it. So much so that I couldn't even go to church on a regular basis. I know it seems crazy, but because I lost my listener, my comfort, I couldn't comfort those who felt the loss of my dad. I couldn't listen. To be honest, at this point, I'm not sure I'm ready to listen.  Thankfully, I'm just like my dad and I know I need to just get up and get going. Life goes on. My life must go on. And my friends and family who are grieving as well, I need to be a part of them. I know I'm not responsible for their comfort, but we can comfort together.

And I need to listen. Because I am my father's daughter. And I know that with God's strength and comfort, I can come out of my isolation and serve God in the way I'm supposed to.

What's been helping me through this past year? A few people. One of them is my long time childhood best friend, Olga. She lives next door and we've known each other for 38 years. She's the one friend who knows me better than anyone. And she knows what I'm missing.  She's listened. A lot. We've listened to each other as we watch our children become grown ups. She's a comfort because she knows me so well, even when she doesn't know what to say, I know she still cares for me.

The others are my kids. I've had several opportunities this year to have my own little family together and that blesses me more than anything. My kids are all grown and I watch them as they go through their adult lives and just sit back and wait for them to come to me with their joys and troubles. So I can listen to them. What is significant about this is that they all listen to me when I need to share my joys and troubles.  As grown ups, they are all willing to let me talk about my stuff and they just listen. Of course, sometimes the advice they give is...well...not advice I would use, but the point is they listen.

There is one more thing that helps. And I just realized this a few days ago: Talking and sharing with others who will listen. This is what happened: I'm volunteering at Vacation Bible School at church this week. I was chatting with a boy and I mentioned my dad. Another lady standing next to us mentioned meeting my dad a few years ago, on her first Sunday visiting our church. I carried on the conversation with them as I shared a few memories of my dad. We were all in smiles and I realized I enjoyed the conversation. It warmed my heart. I talked and they listened.

I miss my dad. Grieving is not easy. And I share my grieving process in the hopes that it helps someone else, like my readers, and gives comfort in the understanding of what grieving is like. It's been 3 years, but like I said, when you lose someone very significant, it makes a huge impact on you, and everyone else.

Then  you find stuff that helps. Like talking. And sharing. And allowing others the opportunity to listen.

And becoming the listener.