The art of humiliation

I'm a show-off. I know I am. And if I get the opportunity to strut my stuff, I usually will. However, I am learning that being a show-off is really not that great. In fact, if I'm not careful, I can become a know-it-all, self-righteous, you-know-what (no foul language allowed).

Last week, I had the opportunity to really show-off.  I saw my ex-husband for the first time in 13 years.  I even posted the life-moment on Facebook and received some great comments of encouragement, reminding me that I have a lot to be proud of and I should just "strut my stuff" right in front of him. And I was planning on it too! I was going to show him what this "hot grandma" was made out of and really put him in his place. Of course I wasn't going to blatantly humiliate him, but in a subtle way...

...until I saw his face. Our lifetime together flashed in a very fast moment and when I looked at him, I was humbled and just couldn't do more than be friendly. What changed? I just didn't see the point in being cocky. I wanted to show him up, but in an instant I knew that what that cockiness would say about me would just be horrible. And I just didn't want to be that person. So, if you've been wondering how the afternoon went, I'll tell you.

It was fine. We said hello, chatted about the weather and how beautiful our daughter is. That's it. No humiliation whatsoever.

Now I'm going to get on my soap box and complain to you about an incident I recently experience. Someone came to me in the guise of "Christian conviction" and expressed concern about an innocent activity of mine. I thanked this person for the concern and then expressed my reassurance that I use care and concern and cautious discernment in said activity.

Now, if you don't already know, then read some of my blog entries, and you'll know how seriously I take my faith and my Christianity. I have learned the hard way that my best witness to all of my friends and family who share (or don't share) my faith is to seek God's wisdom in all I do and say (well, I try to, but I falter). I chose my words carefully with the above person.

Well, the person didn't stop. In fact, the following words were used to further express the point: "not being judgmental, but..." Don't get me wrong. I think this person's heart may have been in the right place, but the conversation just kept going in a direction that when this person finally had the last word, judgement and self-righteousness permeated completely. After one last public, cocky comment, I was humiliated. And I'm still angry about it.

Which is why I'm writing about the subject of humiliation. This is my blog. And I'm learning to accept that I'm a good writer, and this is a good outlet for me. Part of me feels that I'm vindicated if I express my feelings about this incident here. After all, I could simply go to the above person to clear things up, but no...I'm showing off and writing about it on my blog. For that, I ask your forgiveness, especially if you think that I'm not handling this too well.

But humiliation? It's a horrible thing. Even when it's subtle, humiliation is about showing off and making one's self bigger than someone else's self. You know what? In the end... no one wins.

And now I'll get off my soap box. For now.