Memories

Have you ever had one of those moments that you want to share with everyone you know? The moment has become such a blessed memory that you have to tell your friends and family about because it was profound, magical, hey--even horrendous! (did I spell horrendous correctly?) The moment--the memory--is something that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

This last weekend-the weekend after Thanksgiving-was just that type of memory for me. It was crazy, fun, frustrating, but overwhelmingly joyous, I had to find a way to share it with you. And since I haven't blogged for awhile...

Read along:

I had to work on Thanksgiving, so my family came over 2 days later, Saturday evening. This is the first Thanksgiving in quite a while that I've had my entire family-all 3 kids and grandkids. I cooked dinner, of course. I dealt with a little frustration--who's coming, when are the boys getting here, but in the end, we assembled in the living room, held hands as I prayed for our Thanksgiving dinner.

Here I am, in a circle, with my family. My grown children, the little additions to our family, grandchildren, in-laws. I looked at these young faces and I had tears in my eyes and I said, "I could just stand like this forever, looking at each of you, thanking God for you. I'm so blessed." They all smiled and endured my moment--a moment where I could just soak in the blessing of my family.

Another favorite moment is with the youngest ones: Brandon, my grandson, and the newest addition, Audrina (Jasmin's little girl-Jasmin is Ethan's girlfriend). They both ran to the fridge to get a can of whipped cream for the pumpkin pie and I told them, "no, I make whip cream." Audrina was shocked, "wait, this isn't real whipped cream?" "No," I said, "Would you like to learn how to make whipped cream?" Her face lit up, and Brandon stood in shock and asked, "REAL Whipped cream?"

So, I sat at the dining table with the 2 little ones as they helped me blend heavy whipping cream with a touch of honey to make a lustrous "real" whipped cream. After, they each got a beater with a dollop of whipped cream, and the shenanigans began:

Whipped cream everywhere!!!! Was it worth it? Look at those faces!!! Yes! So worth it!
I had that moment where I realized that this is what family is about-craziness, frustration, messes, but in the end, I love them all and it's all worth it. My kids even reminded me that I'm worth it-they love and value what I do for them. Wow!

Don't get me wrong--our lives are not perfect. There's tons of crappy stuff going on and times when I just don't want to be a mommy. I was one exhausted grandma at the end of the night and enjoyed the peace and quiet after everyone left. But I'm telling you right now: Family. Family. Family. And family comes in all shapes and sizes, not just by blood. My family is proof of that.

I am blessed.

15 years ago...

Yesterday I attended the wedding of my friend's daughter. The bride asked me to  make 200+ cupcakes for the reception. It was an exhausting task, but I found myself so fulfilled to be able to contribute. I felt like I was part of the marriage celebration. Watching this lovely couple begin their journey together just brought joy to my heart. It was a very significant day for me, but for a very different reason than you might think.

October 10, 2000: I took the first step in ending my marriage. The boys and I packed our stuff in my car, and we came home. Three days before, I was on the phone with my sister and her husband, talking this through, and listening to Lloyd say, "Leave now, come home, we're here to help." So, I did. Ironically, deciding to leave was not the difficult choice, I knew I had to leave. The most difficult choice that I finally made was to not go back. It took another two weeks to painstakingly decide and accept that my marriage story was finished.

Wow, some 180 degree turn of events, huh?

Look, for anyone who's ever experienced divorce, whether it was yours, your parents, friends, family members, you know that it's not fun, easy, simple, or something you want to re-live ever again. It feels like you're a piece of paper being torn to shreds. A very, very long piece of paper. Being torn constantly. It's a story with a very unhappy ending. And in the end, even if you think this is a good thing, there is still shredded pain that must be taped together and healed.

Or just get another piece of paper and start over.

Watching a newly married couple dance their first dance as husband and wife, watching as that story began, full of love, joy and intentions of a beautiful life together just warmed my heart. For me, it was hoping that marriage can work--it does work. This wedding is just the beginning, and just a corner of the many pages of what could be a great marriage story.

Don't get me wrong, I know well enough that we humans are selfish and proud. In the years of marriage, many pages will get bent, torn, burnt and ripped. My prayer for this young couple is that they will work together, and with God's glue and tape, more pages will be added to their story and last a lifetime. Because that's what marriage is, a grand story that begins with God's hand on 2 people coming together in love, and the willingness to work together to build unlimited pages in a beautiful story.

And those bent, torn, slightly burnt pages--if the book is still bound, it's a grand story: filled with joy, excitement and turmoil. With characters that, if they're willing to do the work, and let God work through them, can live happily ever after.

Hey! I can't help it! I still love happy endings! Reality or not-that's what a story is all about!

Paula in charge

"But you're always in charge," is something I keep hearing lately. Why? Well, because it's true. I'm always in charge, always in control. It's not that I want to be, it just always happens that way. Someone needs to make a decision, I step up and decide. Being in charge began at a very young age with my dad constantly reminding me, "you're responsible for your sister and brothers-you're in charge!" So, it's in my nature to be in control. 

Then my daughter hits me between the eyes, "Mom, you don't always have to make things happen! You need to just relax, be patient and don't always be in control!" (she was advising me on dating, ugh). However, she made a valid point, I am realizing that I need to just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride...and not jump to take control of the situation. 

This is tougher than I thought. Again, it's not that I want to be in charge, I just... am.... Especially when it comes to my personal life. I get anxious about stuff and just take control. Until God reminds me that He actually is the one in charge. I am reminded that when I take charge of my own life, I take away from the plans He has for me. And I'm realizing that I am not as patient as I thought I was. 

Great, not only do I need to learn to let go of control, but I need to learn to be patient too! 

After all: 

30But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 
34  Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.     *Matthew 6:30, 34

Look, I know I'm the kind of person who just naturally takes charge, but I also need to be reflective and willing to change, or improve myself--learn to take a breath, learn to let someone else take charge and I need to be kind. Part of this is learning that God is in control and will provide. Oh how I am blessed with this truth every day! God provides! He is in control. 

So, sit back, relax, be patient, and let someone else drive... I think I can do that. 

Happy Birthday Disneyland!

Today is a big day in Disney history. If you haven't heard the news already, Disneyland celebrates 60 years of making magic for all who enter the gates.

I love Disneyland. In fact, I love it so much that I have been working there for almost 3 years. It is not everyone that can say they enjoy their job and look forward to going everyday, but I count myself as one of the blessed ones that expresses that I love my job. I remember going to the interview 3 years ago and saying to the recruiter, "There are many reasons that Disneyland means so much to my family and me, deep-rooted reasons that would take way too much time to express, but the happy memories..."

The boys and I had annual passes for years, and we loved coming into the park for a few hours to go on a few rides, eat a burger and play video games at the Starcade (ok, they played, I shopped). And I have said this several times to cast members, especially those in leadership roles. I don't share those memories because they're long stories, and bring tears to my eyes and well...that would just be awkward (not like I get teary-eyed enough!) So, I'll share a pivotal memory here with you.

It was a sunny day and the boys (then 10 and 13) and I were enjoying the day at Disneyland (of course). At the time, the boys and I had lived with my folks for more than a year and going to Disneyland was a great opportunity for us to spend time together as a little family. On this occasion, we decided to take a ride on the train to the other side of the park, and of course, their conversation turned to their dad. The week before this trip, I made one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made--to divorce their dad, and I hadn't told them yet.

Mind you, I had not at all planned to tell them while we were having a happy time, but the opportunity just presented itself. I don't even remember who mentioned it first--something about being married and I just very carefully, with as much love and care that I could muster while on the train...at Disneyland... told them that I was getting a divorce.

Needless to say our train ride lasted a little longer than planned, but we talked. They asked questions, they were not surprised, but sad. I reassured them that I was not leaving them (that's what they were worried about) and that we needed to keep praying for their dad. Then we got off the training, and held hands as we entered Pirates of the Caribbean.

This memory became the catalyst for many memories with my boys. From then on, we took many train rides, or walked through 45-minute wait lines because it gave us a chance to talk about stuff. We talked about school, puberty, living with grandma and papa, and eventually we even talked about my decision to start dating again. Disneyland gave us a place that was neutral, safe and comforting to help us deal with many of life's ups and downs. And even just to spend time together as a family.

The boys gave up their annual passes when Nathaniel finished high school. Ethan was beginning high school and the teenage boys were just too cool to go to Disneyland with mom, but we did go on one visit right before their passes expired. Sure enough, the boys suggested we take a train ride, just to relax and chat. And we did. All the way around the park. I don't even remember what we talked about, but I know we laughed and enjoyed each other's company. Now, more than anything, I am grateful that those train rides are memories that I can cherish for the rest of my life.

Big Five-Oh!

I have been in denial for almost an entire year. How could I be 50 this year? How? 

No, I couldn't admit it. Never. I will never be 50. Never. 

How about I just start lying about my age? I'll just tell everyone I'm 39, like my grandma did. Hey, it worked for her, I think. I had a conversation with my grandma right before I turned 40. She reminded me that I was happier at 40 than I was at 30. That got me thinking...

What if I embrace this whole turning 50 thing? What's different now than, say, 10 years ago? 

Well, let's see: Smile lines, crow's feet, a touch of arthritis in my wrists and ankles. That's the details, the little pictures. 

But the big picture: I weigh 20 pounds less than I did 10 years ago. My running and workouts help my arthritis. And I may have a few small wrinkles but I still get pimples. 

The thing is, I looked better and was happier at 40 than at 30. The other day, I found a photo of me at the age of 40 and you know what? I look better now and I am way healthier and happier than when I was 40. 

I'm showing off. I know. But hey-this is my blog and that's the point--to give me an opportunity to be narcissistic and show off. 

Look, I'm not looking for a pat on the back-truly. I am a work in progress. I still have 20 pounds to lose before I am at a healthy weight and this 20 pounds has kicked my butt! I've been trying to lose this last 20 pounds for over 6 months and it all just won't go. 

My point is that I just need to keep going. Keep working at it. And keep living. 

The cool thing is that it looks like I got the "young genes" from my mom. When I was in college no one would believe she was my mom-she looks too young! She still has a youthful look about her. And I've already had a few people say, "You're gonna be 50?" NO WAY!"

So, here's to embracing the Big Five-Oh!

Being a father

Has it really been 4 years since dad passed away? It's hard to believe that so much time has gone by. Sure, the grieving and missing him gets easier with time, but when I look back, it just doesn't seem like it has been 4 years. Then I think about it, and I have a moment where I really miss dad. So, on the anniversary of his going home to spend eternity singing praises to Jesus, I'm writing about him.

You know, all four of us kids would agree that dad was a great dad. But we weren't the only ones who thought this. Throughout his life and ministries, he made an impact on many lives--young and old. His lasting impact was that of a Godly man and a wonderful father figure to many.

It's something I learned from him: how to be a father. You see, the boys and I moved in with my folks almost 15 years ago. I will always be grateful for the help I received from both of my parents in raising my boys, but the role my dad played in my boys' lives will always be cherished. He (along with my brother Joel) was the first man to teach my boys that they need to respect me because not only was I their mom, but I was his daughter and deserved honor and respect.

Then I had the humbling experience of having my dad teach me that I had to be their father. At one point dad and I argued about how to handle a discipline issue with Nathaniel. Dad pretty much got in my face and told me if I didn't get tough and stand up to Nathaniel, that he would. I didn't want to be tougher than nails and fight with my son. I wanted to just make it better, but I also didn't want my dad showing me up--dad's threat really pissed me off. I was gonna show him and be tough. I realized that there were times I would have to set the rules and stand firm, on my own, in the dual role of mother and father--I couldn't let anyone take that from me, not even my dad. There were many times that I took my dad's cue in dealing with my boys, and ask my dad to back me up. It was worth it.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know how blessed I was to have my dad around. I had support in a way that most single parents don't have, and those single parents don't have someone to fall back on in helping them play that dual role. I also know that both moms and dads can be tough, but it helps if someone's got your back. My heart aches for those parents who are doing it alone. And I know how it feels to do the parenting thing alone even when the other parent is there.

But thanks to my dad, I learned how to be a father. Thanks to the role he played in my sons' lives, and even my daughter's, their lives will be forever impacted. So will mine.

You gotta take what you can get!

A friend of mine said this to me in a conversation about men. It has been a point of contention between us for a long time.

Take what you can get, or settle for something--anything--because it is better than nothing, and happiness just is not a factor.  And be happy with it, even if it  means less than true happiness.

Believe me, I understand this concept completely. I am an adult and, thanks to the life experiences we all have, I know that feeling of just accepting what I can get and trying to be happy with it.

But don't I deserve to be truly happy? Don't we all? Some of us, rather, most of us don't believe we deserve to be happy. And you know what? We are absolutely correct--we don't deserve to be truly happy.

Think about it--we humans are horrible! We value power, greed and self-fulfillment. We hurt each other, pervert each other, and are willing to kill each other to promote our own agendas.

Yes, I know I am over-generalizing here. I know that there are inherent good people out there and I consider myself a good person: I love Jesus and pray and want to do the right thing. However, I am human and I have sinned, and I have harbored ill-will in my heart. There is no way that I deserve to be happy.

Here's the thing though: I still want it. I don't want to take what I can get.

And guess what: My heavenly father--I think He wants me to be happy. How do I know? Oh, I'm sure there's a bible verse--or 2 or 3--that shows this, but think about it from a parental stand point: I raised 3 kids and there were times when I was so frustrated as a parent that I didn't even feel that my children deserved to be on this planet! But I love my kids, I cherish them, and as much as we went through, I want them to be happy with their lives. I want them to pursue their dreams and be happy in whatever lives they choose to have. And my kids--they want me to be happy too.

As much as I don't deserve to be happy, I think God, my heavenly Father, loves me so much that He wants me to be happy. Happy in serving Him, happy in my career choices and pursuing my dreams, and happy in my relationships.

I don't have to take what I can get. I have experienced something wonderful, something that made me happy, something that made me realize my own worth. Because of that, if I just settle, or take what I can get, then I get in God's way of His plan for my life.

And I have been praying about that a lot lately.

Gradschool

I am about to finish a class on Content Area Instruction and Assessment and part of my last assignment is to post an update on my blog.

Geez, has it been that long since I wrote on here? Last year? Well, the only excuse I have is that I have found these past few months of my pursuits of a master's in education and a teaching credential via online education where I take 1 class every 4 weeks absolutely exhausting (notice the long run-on sentence?).

I'm burnt out. Even after taking a 5-week break and actually taking a vacation (which was wonderful) I'm still having a difficult time staying focused. But the reality is I really need to stick with it and finish. In fact, I need to finish well. And I'm not too far from the end.

What have I learned in the current class I'm taking right now? That I still have so much to learn.

I took a pretty hard hit in the second week of this class when I got the grades back for my assignments (well, not that hard, but anything lower than an A is very difficult for me to take). But I had to agree with the feedback I received from my prof. I have no formal teaching experience (aside from teaching preschool 100 years ago and being a bible study teacher) and the lessons I created were, well...unrealistic. Some subjects I had to expect more from students, other subjects I needed to spend more time on and well...there are things I just won't know until I get in the classroom.

I have learned to listen to my profs and heed their advice. So, in the assignments in week 3, I followed the prof's advice and changed gears in my lesson presentations. I still have a lot to learn, but this time, I focused on a few things, rather than cramming tons of stuff in one lesson, and focused on giving students a little more credit as far as what they should know by the time they do the type of lesson I created.

I have learned that there is hope at the end of the Grad School tunnel. Although my prof gave very good feedback on my assignments, it was a little kick in my pants to read it. But he also gave encouraging comments. I have to admit, I am a little concerned about how it will be when I actually get my own class--a little more overwhelming than just visiting someone else's class once in awhile. However, after some life experiences I have had recently--standing up in front of people and just having presence and taking command of the room--I have hope that I have potential.

As long as I am willing to learn.